A Section of Life

Don't Numb the Pain

2008-07-26T08:46:00.000-07:00

A tear falls
I feel it
But do not despair
Running against the wind
And the sun is angry
But smile despite the agony
I would rather touch your hand
Then close my eyes
Ferocious tearing verses apathy
Let go and have peace
In cold empty sleep
Wait for my answer
Watch my clutching hand
This is my refusal
My madness
My victory

The Dream

2008-06-20T13:49:00.000-07:00

Echoes of life, snared
Entrapped or enraptured
Crushed against the window pane
Perfect picture of agony
Of beauty, suffering, wholeness,
In consumate, searing flame

So Human (Part I)

2008-06-09T14:33:00.000-07:00

1)I'm so human
2)As I curse the moon
3)With such frail fury
4)That the night laughs
5)But only softly
6)Watching me drown
7)Insane, fey calmness
8)Wide eyed with both feet planted
9)Holding on tightly
10)To prove that my letting go
11)Means something less or something more
12)While I'm breathing fervently
13)As the shadows engulf my head
14)One more loneliness to deny
15)A knife in the dark deflects
16)But doesn't, and I gasp at the bleeding
17)That is not happening, but is
18)And I fall, like a shadow of nothing
19)Scream and measure my relevance
20)By its volume

Dylan Thomas Poem

2008-06-01T15:30:00.000-07:00

And Death Hath No Dominion By Dylan Thomas
And death shall have no dominion.
Dead men naked they shall be one
With the man in the wind and the west moon;
When their bones are picked clean and the clean bones gone,
They shall have stars at elbow and foot;
Though they go mad they shall be sane,
Though they sink through the sea they shall rise again;
Though lovers be lost love shall not;
And death shall have no dominion.
And death shall have no dominion.
Under the windings of the sea
They lying long shall not die windily;
Twisting on racks when sinews give way,
Strapped to a wheel, yet they shall not break;
Faith in their hands shall snap in two,
And the unicorn evils run them through;
Split all ends up they shan't crack;
And death shall have no dominion.
And death shall have no dominion.
No more may gulls cry at their ears
Or waves break loud on the seashores;
Where blew a flower may a flower no more
Lift its head to the blows of the rain;
Though they be mad and dead as nails,
Heads of the characters hammer through daisies;
Break in the sun till the sun breaks down,
And death shall have no dominion.

2008-05-07T00:08:00.000-07:00

Laughter,
and the Dark is surprised
Look at the moon
Watch her spots wither away
Until she has no blemish
Not in His eyes

Life, Ha!

2008-05-07T00:01:00.000-07:00

Hi.
Life is crazy.
For me, now, its good. Life is always predominantly good. I mean, I live in America, what could happen? ::smirk:: They always say things like that in movies right before they die gruesomely or something important blows up. But God is good, I love my family, I'm not failing school, I have tons of friends. I am young and healthy. This is all fantastic.

I need to do more with this. I'm just sittin here soaking it in. And that is fine at times. But now is the time to share what I got. To go out and make people smile and think, to give people love. I need to stop brooding over my little problems, cuz not only are they very small, but they could be great blessings if I would just let them be! So I will. I've been hibernating too long. Letting the tide take me. And it hasn't taken me good places. I've gotten a little bit off track. Now is time for me to get back on track. Starting with going to bed and finishing this Poli Sci paper in the morning.
taTa

I love you, goodbye

2008-04-25T14:37:00.000-07:00

These fancy clothes are not mine!
Take away these faded faces
Roboticly repeating "Fine"
This is not who I am

Perfect flowers in empty pots of clay
Broken people jumping out of clean windows
I am the ashes that you throw away
Bullet holes in both eyes

Tired cars leave tire marks all over me
My fists are bleeding with nothing to show
Break open my lungs, will I be free?
Smile, no one will notice

Gunning down my dreams with an open grin
Go down swinging my arms vaguely
Learning that I don't know how to win
Wish you'd given me swimming lessons

There's no black and white
But the grey in between is killing me
Give up, the fog is tired of this fight
Catch, hold, release, suffocate, die

If wishes were wings I'd fly to you
Past all the beggers with horses who think this is fine
I wake up with dust as the only thing that's true
In my eyes, in my mouth, blowing away in the wind

And I whisper, wildly, fiercely, vainly
" I love you, Goodbye"

Confession of the Hobo in the Night

2008-04-06T20:47:00.000-07:00

What is magic?

What is laughter?

What is despair?

What is love?

What happens when a star falls?

What happens when a man wakes up and realizes that he will always be what he is and that what is is not what he wants to be, that where he is is perpetually a step away from what he should be....or maybe a step and a half? Maybe he falls apart in despair. Or.... MAYBE! Maybe he says that God will make up the difference, that God fills that step and a half. And then goes out and makes sure that he is only a step and a half away.

I am not great. I am not even good. I always wanted to be magnificent. But I'm not. And I kind of feel that I will never really be magnificent....but God can use the losers, the almosts, the foolish, the half-assed,the creepers, the failures, the addicts, the doubters, the cowards, the thieves, the liars and the hypocrites....no matter how many steps from ideal, no matter how many steps from magnificent they have gone. That list embodies me. But....BUT I keep walking, and believe, that more than maybe, Christ can and will make up the difference between me and magnificent.

Amen.

What's not to love?

2008-04-02T13:17:00.000-07:00

Silly darling, I love you for,
The parts of you that more perfectly mirror these ideas of my freedom
Then any thoughts I ever found inside
A crinkle and a gasp of fresh air, maybe like the sea,
I cannot help smiling, though I wonder what a smile is
Am I giving up this little speck of sunshine?
"More where that came from", says the colonial spirit of joy
Mercenary happiness knows no conservation
Knows no boundaries, has no root, ends
Catching tears in bottles, selling glances to the wind
We soar into this disaster with a maniacal hope
Searing my own flesh to find peace

Smell a faint zephyr of something more real

What Presence is found in the depths of these oceans?

Do not run, darling

Do not run now

2008-03-17T04:07:00.000-07:00

Overthinking
My nose is something
To follow
The last thing safe
That I know
Pushing at the walls
Pretend they are not
Closing in

The weeks seem slow
Those days are gone
Clock keeps ticking
Time falls from the sky
Silly snowflakes
My life, alone
All these fingers, touch
Release

Blow a kiss
Let it go
Will this moment be
Written next or does
The pen cease scratching?
The scribe turns away
I smile
The rabid dark wins
But I still have my joke

Whistle and claim reality
Trite men, trite phrases
Vague songs, too late
Fall apart
I want to hear them all
From your lips
Do not get tired
The end will be ok

A treatise on Life as seen through the Blog

2008-02-27T00:13:00.001-08:00

Blogs are funny things. I think its hard to know what is more profound, the things people say or the things they leave unsaid. So many people always just tell happy little stories about their lives, little frivolous words, masking, even if unintentionally, all the struggles and questions below the surface. And don't say, or let anyone try to say, that you or they don't have those things, that nothing is happening but what you see. Everyone is an iceberg with only their heads above the water, only these little words, its like taking a picture of yourself every day, once a day, and saying that you're documenting your life. That's kind of hogwash. Some of my friends get onto me for being emo, or writing depressing things. I think I am just as happy just as often as anybody else, its just that I feel that my struggles, and hopefully the triumphs that come out of those struggles, are what is important in my life, important enough to document. Dr. Suess stories are happy stories, at least supposedly, I mean personally I find a lot of depressing material in , BUT they don't capture real life at all. Real life is, I think, a thousand pieces of random, silent, dull struggle, accented by brief bits of joy and wonder (to show us why the silent dull struggle is worth slogging through) and pocked by periods of fierce pain to show us why we do not want to be here forever. So, I write poems about struggling and hurting a lot, because struggle and pain are there, and some times they are big parts of my life, and because I think that struggle and sweat and blood are beautiful things that act like rain as a way to wash away clouds and show us what the Son REALLY looks like! Life is not easy, and I feel some times, I feel tonight, like my hearted is crusty and salty with tears and bloodied by crashing against walls too much. I'm not good at being okay about things that aren't okay and filling holes in my heart that just should not have been made in the first place, but God makes things truly ok, more then ok, more then fine even! And He makes hearts more whole then they ever were before. I know that, and while I wait for the fruition of my knowledge, I cling to Him like crazy.

2008-02-18T13:21:00.001-08:00

Breathe
and this is not blindness
Fear's teeth fail bluntly
A colliquoy of glances
And the shadows wait

Breathe
and the horizon brightens
The flowers gaze, intoxicated
Wild horse and my fathers
Are irrelevant whispers now

Breathe
and the sky is mine
Every shade and hue reflecting
Back the pieces of my heart
Smile like Springtime and reality

The Play

2008-01-26T13:49:00.000-08:00

All the world is a stage
The play must go on
Our pain is our singing
Do not stop the song
Beauty in this aching
Bleeding from your eyes
Standing out in the darkness
Smiling at the married night

My heart is stuck on shuffle
Playing random hyper beats
The wolf seems so afraid
Of the headlights and his prey
Pull the trigger and smile
Watch it all become so simple
See her finally walk away
The stars are so grimly quiet

The curtain call is final
End this thespian masquerade
Vanity is straightforward
Everything is my broken skyline
Dripping out wishful wonder
My hand hits something solid
Looking up and to the right
I am holding the Hand of God

Miss you

2008-01-15T11:16:00.000-08:00

Smile through the emptiness
In your eyes, in my eyes
I admit it, are you satisfied?
I am afraid of the night
Will you fix me, make me okay?
I understand your "No" this time

The fragile breathings of our brains
Say that nothing is the same
And that the end is over there
Is pulling me along, closer
To one thousand frail horizons
Beating hearts beating apart

We are not so far from shore
But the water is too deep
I forgot how to swim suddenly
And you know so well the art
Of sinking, you are below me now
Your eyes say stay behind

But I just want to catch up to you

2008-01-10T23:42:00.000-08:00

People love other people. Its amazing.

Big hearted loser

2008-01-09T11:20:00.000-08:00

His heart's too big
And he's too small
To save them

And he smiles at his breaking
He sells himself dearly
Knowing one day he'll be gone
He watches her, forever
Her eyes, frightened, cold
Killing him as she lets go

And they are dead and dying
He bleeds for both of them
She's passed tears and he's passed lying
He does not say he's superman, anymore
He knows he's going down
But he just won't let go

His heart's too big
And he's too small
To save them

It must be great....

2007-12-04T21:30:00.000-08:00

You know, a few men, go through all their lives without a moment where they stop. Look at themselves in the mirror and realize. Their whole lives, all their dreams, didn't belong to them. Were not ANYTHING. Their lives. Fake. Their hopes. Empty. Their loves. Lies. If you are one of those people, more power to you. More power to you. It must be great to be you.

taTa

Waking up

2007-11-29T00:35:00.000-08:00

I'm alive
I breath back softly
We wonder how this works
Tonight under the stars
We are not so far away
I see your breath
On the window pane
Between us

I woke up sleeping
Wondering why I am here
The moon is startled by my fear
And nothing is quite so real
As it is in my dreams
I caught this falling star
For you and your angels smile
More then a whole skyline of reality

There there, there there,
Now

The Lost

2007-11-28T17:49:00.000-08:00

The barrel is in your mouth
Put that gun away
Breath comes slower now
Awash with all that pain
Her voice keeps whispering
Those things she says
That hold you together
Underneath tear you apart

All the king's words
And
All the king's sentences

Cannot put you to sleep
Playing in your head
Lonely in your bed
Heart beating for those moments
Stops, on the 7th floor, looking down
The snow is falling inside
Peering out the window
Longing for the sun, Freedom

All the king's words
And
All the king's sentences

Say two shadows are better then one
A real man outshines a hollow
But no one returns his shout
Holding that picture tightly
Fades, she is not there
The paper does not smile
Rain washing her away
He screams against his palm

All the king's words
And
All the king's sentences

Laughter in the grave
No sound, no noticing
Look around these ally ways
Ways and ways but no way out
A maze of dissonance
He is bigger, if he was not alone
Say your fingers will be in his
Someday and his death not be in vain

All the king's words
And
All the king's sentences

Arbitrary words of doom
Based on false senses of accomplishments
Duty is her father, or jailer
She is the daughter of despair
He says that he can free her
Please just take his hand
You have said enough of honor
It is only bondage, but he is liberty

All the king's words
And
All the king's sentences

Frown at her pale green eyes
Holding her fear up as a light
To help her hold on
Like some majestic Moses
With venom in his teeth
And if she can let go
Then they will live
Finally to be dropping

All the king's words
And
All the king's sentences

That say they are lost

Looking out

2007-11-12T11:20:00.001-08:00

Fingertips against the window-pane
Eyes wide open, shouting "Breathe!"
No response and the reflection falters
Coldly shaking, the dawn is waiting
Sew your soul shut again
Stars scream a song of waking up
The moon nods off in the in-between
Where else do men and angels collide?

Reaching, firmly truly grasping
Your hand in mine smearing my skyline
With incongruent concepts of hope
In the world of cruelty and closed eyes
Shaken off by tickling of the morning
Brings me back to my lonely vigil
Kept before this guttering candle
Reminder and Time's slow redemption

Allow me to drift away for a moment
The sea laughs, a gurgle underneath
The waves fade into purple twilight
A grim goodnight whispers meaning, closed doors
Brave new world crushes the craven old
Thousand thousands empty courageous eyes
Trample well feed dreams with iron tread
And someone says "Goodnight"

Sleeping irrelevantly with honest nightmares
Eyelids held shut by sweaty hands
Slip, and I break free, into a frail morning
Standing beneath the skyline, crimson
Laughing a brilliant falter
The moon totters and this heart beats, once
My hands clinch, unclinch, looking up
The city of Men shudders below my clarion shout

I can (A simple poem)

2007-11-06T21:51:00.000-08:00

I can laugh,
I am a child
Yesterday was cold
but it was yesterday
Today there are a few clouds
Tomorrow there could be none

I can smile,
I am strong
Yesterday pushed
but it was yesterday
Today I push back
Tomorrow I'll push harder

I can speak
I am wise
Yesterday I was confused
but it was yesterday
Today I think
Tomorrow I will know

I can cry
I am in love
Yesterday I was broken
but it was yesterday
Today I am healing
Tomorrow I will be more then whole

A thoughtful time

2007-11-04T11:20:00.000-08:00

Ahhh. Today is a good day to be alive, I think. I love The Mission. I feel alive, real and revived every time I come out of services there. God is there. I just don't feel Him nearly as much anywhere else. I went to First Baptist last Sunday with Jerad, and Jordan and Heather, the sermon wasn't bad, but I just didn't feel the life there and it effected my whole week. I feel a better week coming on.

Last night at McDonald's a boy asked me if we had any Whoppers. That's Burger King my boy. Have it your way.

taTa

Soon

2007-10-28T22:00:00.000-07:00

Pack up, pack your things
Unlatch the garden gate
Listen for my footsteps
Pebbles on the window pane
Dream all night under the moon
I am on my way

I am coming soon

Driving too fast
Because that's what people do
In stolen cars around the world
With nothing else to prove
The tires sing softly
Singing for you

"I am coming soon."

The stars have voices
My soul has ears
Every day is fading
Into this crack on the windshield
It spells your name to me
The miles die to my fierce vengeance

And I am coming soon!

I see your eyes in the rain
Reflected from every street lamp
Mirrored in every puddle on the street
So cold now, so near, so real
Just alone, me and Fear
Looking at all I have not been

But I am coming soon

The sidewalk ends right now
Road fades from my thoughts
Engine idles, what have I done?
This race is run, but who won, who wins?
Judges deliberate, I am lost in your face
Knock on your door, I am here

Soon
Soon!
Soon?
Soon*
Now

And you are in my arms

Newness

2007-10-16T07:03:00.000-07:00

It is a new day, a new weak. Hope springs eternal. Yesterdays and dreams are all behind me now, one step after another will get me through. God is good, God is always good.
taTa

2007-10-08T15:38:00.000-07:00

Sorrow, pain, death, vomit, putridity, agony, blood, war, falling skies

Despair

2007-10-07T22:30:00.000-07:00

This grin astounds me
Every tooth exposed
As if he is happy there
Entombed, yet escaped
Empty eye sockets glaring
Not hopeful, but unpained

And I breathe for her lips
As I stare into the sky
No stars believe my whisper
I am lost in this sick assurance
They have given up on me
Leaving my night complete
Like the touch of grave clothes
Veiling my face

The moon is laughter
Etched into my pain
A stalemate of my disaster
Scarlett whisper of what I am
The Sun cries at the sight of me
Rain only whimpers at my touch
Pariah that I am I fade into this doom,
Into despair

The Muse of an Afternoon

2007-10-05T13:12:00.000-07:00

"What," he mutters absently, "Is the meaning of it all?"
I have a thousand thoughts of meaning and living today: love, that living feeling that comes when you've worked hard all day and smell like a cow and know that you are real, smiles, that optimistic unthinking hopeful joy you see in the eyes of small children, laughter, silence with the Bible in my lap almost hearing God, knowing He's there, courage, Papa's hand on my knee as he prays for me, breathing, the breathtaking awe and joy and wonder when Amy tells me she loves me, confusion, watching helplessly as friends fall apart, anger, a single glance at my true self. So much life inside such a small frail frame; I am happy, whelmed and overwhelmed, confused but calm, afraid, but so content on this Friday afternoon, assured that life will never, lose these its glances of meaning, this convaluted yet simple patchwork of beauty.
taTa

2007-10-04T07:16:00.000-07:00

Used up, drained
The sink is empty
The faucet's broke
The sun aint shinin'
This is no joke

Fall, fall, leaves of friends
Hopeful glances
Where do we win?
Life is you and them,
And me?

Circle down,
Paley whisper
Autumn winds whine
Into my ears
"Chase, chase the summer!"

Clouds of dankness

2007-10-03T10:36:00.001-07:00

So life is fine, and I will make it, but sometimes.... I dunno. Sometimes life isn't peachy. Survival of the fittest and all that jazz I suppose. The BYX intramural fb team got stomped by the BAMFS last night. But we tried very very hard. I got extra kudos for my warcry. But like I said, we lost. And I have this problem, every time I play sports vigorously these days, I pull certain muscles and give myself extraordinary pain. So yeah, that happened. And my first shift at Micky D's starts in about an hour and a half. I hope they have clothes for me to wear. Got an 84 on my sociology test, GROOOOSSSSS!!!! aggghh. I did read the wrong chapter in the textbook and yeah, that was my fault, so ummhmm anyway. In other news, it has been WAAAY too long since I've been to Java Jack's, I think I may go there tonight with Josh, who knows? Yeah, and at like 10:30 i have some sort of BUCs iniation happening thing, so YEAH, on that note I shall depart into the foggy void,
taTa

A message

2007-09-29T15:30:00.000-07:00

Paul sent me this last night:

You are a crazy man. I wrote a poem for you.

I drove you crazy
Im sorry for making you crazy
I wish I could take your place and I be crazy
tell me a way show me a way and make me crazy
my heart hurts cause I made my friend crazy
Please change I dont want you to be crazy
Someone help him, help him, he's crazy
take away his pain that made him crazy
I dont like how I made him crazy
I didnt do it on purpose, I didnt even know I was making him crazy
I wish I could take it all back and he leave me crazy....
NOT!

Nugent

2007-09-29T13:52:00.000-07:00

Hello my little ducklyngs,
The world pours forth upon us all. Some of us die. Death is a part of life. Some of us do not sleep at all, some us are shaken repeatedly in the Steen Lobby while studying by random drunk men who think you are their Frat Pledge brothers wasted and in need of moral support. Some people notice that insanity is inevitable. Sometimes some of us think that we are complete failures. Sometimes we are right. Sometimes we are wrong. Sometimes no one knows which is the case. Some of us are forced to work at McDonald's. Some people might say this is a terrible thing. At least one of us believes that this will be a great adventure. One will bring the power of Nugent to Micky D's!!!!!!!

Yeah! Second and a half person narrative, freakin awesome. Justin and I watched Zoolander last night. It is pretty amazing. It is also very weird. Sort of like me.

James was deeply saddened and aggrieved that I decided against pledging into his beautiful little fraternity. I hope not too badly, he is my friend.

I just had a sudden longing to shoot a duck on the wing, but I didn't do it.

I think I'm getting sick, but I don't mind, I'm still happy in a crazy twisted sort of way that I don't understand. I'm alive but I don't know why, everything is going wrong, but I can't care too much.
taTa

Firefighter Ninjas....ATTACK!

2007-09-26T09:50:00.000-07:00

If someone suddenly came up to you and shouted "BLLAAAAGGGGHHHH!" very loudly in your ear, at this very moment, how would you feel? Well, basically that's the effect that this post would have upon you if I could write it like it feels. And so I won't. Or maybe it is and so I can't. Incoherency crowns the earth with golden wings of fog, smaug, and beetles.
taTa

Writing in the Sand

2007-09-22T15:09:00.001-07:00

The sand shifts softly
I am staring at the waves
Amazed, afraid in their silence
The moon speaks, so calmly
Ocean answers, desperately, returning to her feet
And I watch the romance of the Night

You don't notice, but I see
Your eyes reflected brightly in the sky
My star fades, til he's next to yours
Urgency steadies my hand
And for the thousandth time
I write your name in the sand

Bleeding to be alive, reality, relevance
Forcing my demons back into their box
They cackle, waiting, so patient
Almost snap, but your smile says I can breathe
The sea crashes around your name
Your star says these miles disappear

And I stoop again, tracing three letters
The beach, the waves, the sky,
Reveal these lines, scored deeply inside
All of a reflection of this little, frail truth
Beautiful in its smallness, inside of me
Beating all for you

Here it all is

2007-09-19T13:41:00.000-07:00

I think that I shall stand here in silent assurance and say "Goop" with quiet conviction.

For a Song

2007-09-16T12:55:00.000-07:00

In this moment Life is wonderful. I wish it could always be like this, a feeling of devotion and nearness to God, an assurance of my ability to walk straight and laugh free, the knowledge that the amazing and gorgeous girl that I'm maddly in love with loves me back, a sunshiny day and smiles and random friends breezing by shaking my hand and saying "Sup ma friend", nothing to fear. But what if it rains tomorrow, will it all fall apart? I'm sick and tired of it raining on my dadgum parades!!!!!!!!!!! But oh well, today I am happy and motivated and strong, today I will do what I can do,
taTa

You

2007-09-12T22:17:00.001-07:00

I wrote your name on the palm of my hand
Copying the inscription on my heart
My breath is captured, willingly
Autumn winds smile faintly
Scattering the leaves of memory
Across these miles to your eyes
And your smile through my dreams

My Pain

2007-09-12T10:20:00.000-07:00

A lot happened yesterday, and the day before. There was joy yesterday, and the day before. Some people laughed yesterday, especially me. But today is a day of pain and suffering and anger and malice. But the sunshine still peeks through on me now and then. I am not defeated. But seriously I am hurting uber bad. I fell or jumped out of bed last night and landed on a mysterious pointy object, which pointy object made a liddle hole in ma foot. I suffered. At that exact moment I suffered, all through the night I suffered, in the morning I suffered, and now I suffer. I was almost discombobulated with pain this morning in the cafeteria, so this friendly, but apparently rather silly, women, convinced me to let her call UPD to give me a ride to the Quack Shack to get checked out b4 class. Apparently she called more then UPD because a whole bunch of cops and EMS showed up at East College Cafeteria with sirens and a stretcher. They were very put out when I told them that I didn't want to go to the ER, and the cop was deeply aggrieved at me when I called the Quack Shack "The Quack Shack", he said it was THE medical clinic and that it was foolish and irresponsible to call it the Quack Shack if you were going there for medical attention. At that point I wanted to tell him that I would be fine without medical attention and that I could and WOULD call it the Quack Shack if I jolly well wanted to. But I didn't. And I did need medical attention. And now I have crutches, and I missed English Class. But yeah, the world will be all jollity one day, ummhmm so anyway,
taTa

The Night sets in...

2007-09-10T18:04:00.000-07:00

And Evan laughs grimly. Maybe this all is vanity.

Time after time

2007-09-09T13:58:00.000-07:00

I am content today. I'm not exactly sure why. Church this morning was amazing, I felt more alive there, exactly where I belong being washed by the Holy Spirit, then I had for many, many weeks. But I went into it knowing it would be good, feeling like I was waking up, that I was somehow real again....as if I'd been dreaming for a while and had just been shaken awake, but didn't and don't exactly know where the transition from slumbering to wakefulness took place. Something somewhere whispered that everything was gonna be okay, but I hadn't realized before that anything wasn't ok. Puzzling, but fine.
I went camping this weekend with the boyscouts. It was an interesting experience. I'd always wondered what one of those camp outs would be like without any responsibilities or expectations. I found out. It was great. Much jovialty, laughter, and thoughtful discussions, as well as the inevitable burdensome nonsense that comes from smaller children, but rolled all together it was wonderful. I love talking to Josh. I don't suppose I can really take much credit for who he is, but as his "mentor" I take an enormous amount of pride in his accomplishments. He's growing into a wise, clever, genuine young man, with strength, give-and-take, and randomness all wonderfully intertwined. Haha, he's a great little chap. And so, it seems, is everyone else. I can't help loving them all. And Doc is always great, I hadn't talked to him in a while, so having long discussions with him again was excellent. I feel very loved.
This afternoon I ate lunch with Sean and Justin, which is always exciting, and played Frisbee Golf with the three Middlebrook brothers: Ryan, Thomas and Grayson. I was shown once again how bad I am at that game, but ya know, life goes on and I had fun anyhow. Soooo yeah, that's how things stand this fine sunny Sunday afternoon, and with that, I shall leave you,
taTa

Only Whispers

2007-09-06T07:33:00.000-07:00

I was never told this thing
By anyone above a whisper
They were afraid
For me to know
That drowning was this beautiful

I live too deeply
To breathe or think of breathing
Lost in one unblinking heartbeat
If this is ending or beginning
Then the middle has no place for me

A fog of me is shouting
Dying shrillness without fear
Stuffed into a box of breaking
This tiny point in time
Where real life happens

I only wish to tell this thing
Too vibrant for such a small voice
Terrible fear wrapped in a whisper
Here I fully know
To drown in You is breathing at last

My people, getting old

2007-09-04T22:13:00.000-07:00

So, pretending that today is still Tuesday and the fourth of September, I will now celebrate the birthdays of two very important people in my life, Papa and Amy, by singing their praises a little bit, they deserve it.

My father is amazing, we'll just throw that out there. He has a wonderful work ethic, tireless cheerfulness, a huge heart, a wonderful love for his family, and most importantly, is completely sold out to the Lord. There is nothing more important to Papa then pleasing God and raising us kids to want the same thing. He's done good. One of my highest goals in life is to be as great a man, father, and Christian as Papa. He is my role model, mentor, encourager, advisor, and friend. I wouldn't make it far without Papa. I love you sooo much, sir, thank you for all that you have done and all that you do, and I thank God for you. HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAPA!!!!!!

And more recent in my affections; though as some of you know, I've been in love with her for years, my wonderful Amy. She's wise, clever, and lovely, and just the thought of her makes me happy. But even more amazing then her wonderful personality is her genuine and wonderful love for Christ, it colors everything that she does, and that is truly awesome. Happy Birthday Amy.

taTa

Breathing on the window

2007-09-03T18:37:00.000-07:00

I am breathing

All I have written, on your window pane
"Silly boy!" your laughter says
Like stars and mice and angels
These flowers sing
Heartless songs

I spoke of breathing
Breath, words, heartbeats
A road of here and there
Eyes, ears, voices,
A breaking string, and you

My heart bursting into sunrise
At your smile
This day, yours and mine
Scatters clouds on this skyline
Yours and mine, one

And this breathing is all for you

And there it is....

2007-08-31T14:17:00.000-07:00

....The week, done. I've laughed, I've cried, I made friends, and sang in the rain. And I'm a big boy now. I completed my first week of real college. It was not amazing, it was not bad, it was just....fine. As I sit here, in liesurelyness in my dorm room shirtlessly slouching before the computer, I feel a little sad, a little lonely, a little happy, and a little not caringish. It will all be great one day.
taTa

Well Mista Foreman....

2007-08-30T08:09:00.000-07:00

....To answer you question, YES, PEACE IS JUST A TEMPORARY STATE!!!!!!!!!!

All of That

2007-08-29T11:08:00.000-07:00

I feel drained right now. Nothing entirely exciting is happening. I think I might go camping this weekend. The Earth is turning too slowly. I am hungry. I wish something amazing would happen. I feel like it actually IS happening, but its taking soooo long to come to fruition. The sky is full of a bleak promise of rain, and I just can concentrate. So I was sleeping at 12:45 this morning, and the fire alarm went off, and Jerad woke me up and told me to follow him, and somehow I got coke (Coca Cola not....anything else you might be thinking of) poured all over myself, and we had to stand out in front of Steen for 30 minutes in the stinking masses. And I woke up at 8:05 and hystericly ran to class in the same nasty clothes of the night before, and of course pretended that I wasn't late, even though I was. And then I had an interview at Java Jack's and couldn't change and had bad BO and....Yeah. Today was "one of those days". But I'm hungry, so I'm going to eat and then take a vera long nap, and then read sociology, and then run and then see if Sean or Justin or anybody else wants to hang out somewhere. Or maybe I'll do laundry, that could be exciting.
taTa

Other places

2007-08-28T07:27:00.000-07:00

SOOOO yeah. Yesterday was the first day of school, of "real" college, "real" life. It seemed basicly the same and as pretend as any other day, except with more chocolate and less meat. Which I'm still debating myself about, is that an even trade? Chocolate is delicious and ambrosial, but if its not even real and pure, and if you don't have MEAT, which is the hope and the pride and joy of manhood, then do you have anything? Such perplexing questions come up in college. I wrote a paper entitled MY World of Fear and Fog. Today. I gave it to Dr. Duncan. I hope he's proud of me. I know I am. Names you will hear from me regularly: Justin, Sean, Jerad, Dr. Duncan, That McDonald's Man, The Bat Guy, Chris, and ever and always, AMY. Don't be alarmed. These are my friends. And its ok, you can love them vicariously through me; unless you ARE them in which case you CAN love yourself. I give you permission to do that. Surfin' Steve is flourishing this morning....with joy in his heart. Very much like me. My eyeballs are scoffing at me for trying to keep them uncovered, and since it is 9:30 in the morning, I shall away to bed.
taTa

Shall we breathe?

2007-08-26T10:36:00.000-07:00

Why hello my friends!
Here we are, on the verge of something; school or death or the consumption of lovely pastries, mmmm mumum yum tastiness. So yeah, despite that distraction and a multitude of others, I am here, moved into Steen and preparing to leap out into college and real life tomorrow. I am such an unprepared and frightened little boy, but I suspect that survival will continue to come to me. I had a long conversation with Justin at Java Jack's (until it closed and then we moved to in front of Wisely) last night, and I was somewhat disturbed and given much food for thought. Mostly though we talked about how we missed our girl friends, though seriously he has very little to complain about since HIS girl is comin back next week. Its 109 days until Amy comes back, or thereabouts. And thats a long time. Anywho, the world keeps turning and laughter is forever.
taTa

Flight patterns

2007-08-20T17:33:00.000-07:00

I don't mind flying
But why this wrong direction?
I close my eyes, and see yours, peeking in my window
A mirage of what I wish to see, in the clouds
And you're on the other side of me
The side I cannot reach this morning
Going home but you're not there
Why should I be satisfied?
I am fighting now for breath
Fighting more to be there

I'm doing what they told me
They are never pleased
I just want to be there
My hands are bound by traditions
One day I will break them all
That day I'll take you in my arms
Then I'll say goodbye to saying goodbye to you
Maybe then we will finally understand
Another day here, another skyline
Fades into the distance still between our hands

Be patient, darling
One day we will both come home
I will see you, maybes will be gone
Fear is fleeting, it escapes my eyes tonight
My arms will hold you fast then
I am always here for one last breath
This is a dream, indeed its true
The one the morning cannot chase away
Here I promise, never to let go of you
Hold my heart please, until my body catches up

"Herodias, sir? I am a son of his perplexity."

2007-08-18T18:31:00.000-07:00

So, I have been at The Summit. It was pretty much amazing. I'm so filled with all the things I've learned, and all the motivation that has been pumped into my soul, that I don't even know what to do with myself. Also, I just got home, and coming home is always kind of weird. Its good mind you, it just isn't quite home anymore, so its a little odd. And just in case my life isn't exciting enough, there's this gorgeous girl... yeah, wow. On that note, I will depart into the night,
taTa

Sunshine in the Trees

2007-07-31T21:24:00.000-07:00

Hello my children,
I have now arrived at home. My job at Trinity Pines is now over. It was great, I must say. The 9 weeks I spent there were most eventful, and character building, and one of the happiest times of my life for some time. But here I am once again, back in Nac and in some semblance of real life and normality. I had Orientation the last three days at SFA, and I must say that it was a horribly boring and uninspiring experience. I passed on a lot of nonsense, and will probably not feel comfortable about McDonald's for many months to come, but survival remained with me. I also went to Java Jack's with good ol' Brandon Milla, my dear friend who I've been rather out of communication with of late. We had happy times, and will most likely have more tomorrow. I'm signed up for 15 hours this fall. English 235, Monday-Friday, 8-8:50 on MWF and 8-9:15 on Tuesday and Thursday; Music 140 (music appreciation) MWF 9-9:50; History 133 MWF 10-10:50, Sociology 137 MWF 11-11:50. So ahm fairly excited and quite sure that I shall be fine and have no great struggles doing excellently well and having good times too. Hope springs eternal, and though pain and confusion linger, laughter cannot be long escaped in my mind, and joy is not far away. Have fun in your little lives, oh my children, because I will be in mine,
taTa

AGGHH MY EYES!!!!

2007-07-14T15:01:00.000-07:00

Today makes me tired. A lot of things just hit me that weary me, and its raining, and my nine hour day turned into a ten hour day, and my back hurts. But everything is gonna be fine, great even. I'm gonna go to church with Daniel in Huntsville in the morning, and I volunteered away my one day off, so I'm working ropes at 1:00 tomorrow. All the staff sent me thoughtful messages on their platters today, since I was on kitchen duty, ALL DAY!!!! And a couple of friendly ladies came over and were talking to me and reading the plates, and of course it was Danny's kind and sentimental missive that they read. They were very disturbed and gave me sympathy for the cruelty of my fellow staffers. To me it was an amusing and daily occurance. They left shocked and offended. The plate said, in bright red ketchup "Evan LIKES boys." Danny is twenty, and the supposedly mature RA who makes sure everything runs smoothly in the dorm and is always kind and rarely random. I laughed quietly.
taTa

Golfing in the clouds

2007-07-11T09:35:00.000-07:00

The world is pretty much a great place to prowl upon. Things happen here and there that are fine and exciting. It seems like I went somewhere this week, but maybe not. I saw V for Vendetta Monday night, good movie, very very good movie. My head hurts mightily. I poked it in the forest last night, I screamed vera loudly. Happy times come and go, sometimes I'm afraid, but it always ends up great.
taTa

Gardens in my head

2007-07-08T09:17:00.000-07:00

I had a happy day yesterday. K and I went hiking through the back paths and mysterious wooded places of the camp, discovering things. Then we went canoeing and that was great. Then we watched movies and washed laundry. Then we went swimming, then we watched more movies. And throughout, we had good and intresting conversations. And I called Mama last night, and had a great liddle chat. So I'm pretty much content. Am about to start an eight hour work day, it'll be fine though. In fact, I don't care at all, cuz I get to call Amy immediatly after that, which is really great, so yeah, on that note I will depart into the vague greyness of what happens beyond blogging.
taTa

Sunshine won't you be my mother?

2007-07-06T14:09:00.000-07:00

I am working hard, having fun, being hopeful. Sometimes stresses are there, sometimes life is harsh, sometimes I'm confused and dismayed, but mostly, life goes on and works. Papa came and visited me this morning, it was awsome! We ate breakfast at Brookshires. Many people said amazing things that I forgot, and tonight Matt and Mary Ann and Dana and Shoentae and I and maybe Jeremy and Taco are going to see Transformers. Its gonna be great, have a wonderful life,
taTa

Carnations in the sky.

2007-07-02T14:36:00.000-07:00

The wedding was amazing and perfect. Jordan did not break down into sobs, Ben did not lose the ring or get angry and kick me fiercely, I did not fall down in the isle, I smiled and was a good boy, and everyone knew that everything else was great. Then after the smiles and speaking and random jollity was over, my brother drove away with his new bride and I felt strangely shattered and vastly alone.

So I am back at camp and life goes on. Fear comes and goes, but amazing things still will happen. I am happy now, almost incandescently. Does anyone know what reality means? In other news, I shaved my head,
taTa

My big brother

2007-06-29T23:43:00.000-07:00

Life is a crazy adventure and God is wonderfully good. I'm at home right now, and my brother is about to get married. That's a very big deal.
Jordan has always been an inspiration to me. He has high moral character, a good work ethic, a wonderful sense of humour, and an infectious laugh. I've often wished I was just like him. God has amazing plans for Jordan, and Heather is one lucky girl.
Tomorrow, or really, later today, I'll stand on the bottem step (cuz Ben refuses to allow me to bring a stool to sit on) and stare over Ben's shoulder at my big brother as he pledges his life to Heather Nolan, and vice versa. It will mark the beginning of a wonderful new chapter in both their lives, and the end of a happy and exciting chapter in mine. I'm looking forward to the years ahead, watching them grow and love each other, and sharing more time with them as time flashes past, but the kid years were very, very good. And now they're over.
God Bless you Jordan, I love you!
taTa

Lightning and Thunder

2007-06-22T14:16:00.000-07:00

I almost died in the bathroom a few minutes ago. It was a bad time. And now I have to call the bank about my debit card because Amy told me I had to. I just watched the Rundown. Its pretty much cool.
taTa

Goof Balls

2007-06-21T15:14:00.000-07:00

This morning I sauntered bleary eyed into the cafeteria and was assured by Sarah that I could be a model. Everyone agreed and Ethan told me that that meant that I never had to be a telemarketer again. I was very appreciative of these words, and then I went on with my life. I drove golf carts mostly today, and it was fine, almost dandy even. But I'm so tired, have been all day. The UMBH rec staff challenged the TPCC staff to a game of ultimate frisbee last night at midnight, or maybe we challenged them, but whatever, the point is that we didn't start until 12:30 and I didn't go to sleep until 3. I did not run at 6 this morning, but yeah, I survived. Life is still fine and peachy,
taTa

Terrors in the Night...

2007-06-20T15:15:00.000-07:00

...are often called Night Terrors. I think I had them when I was young. I saw feirce gorillas. They were very scary. They tried to climb in my window, one did, it was a mommy gorilla with a baby, I wet my bed that night. It was terrifying. But anyway, today I ran in the morning and was not enthusiastic about it. Then I worked hard with Justin, but I don't really remember what we did except that I spilled a huge cooler of water and ice and told PJ that Dallas was laughing because the day was filled with sunshine and blue skies.
And Caleb is very sick. It makes me feel strangely helpless and deflated, pray for him to get better, ok? Ok.
I was happy on the ropes course this afternoon, I did many pull-ups and laughed at the ups and downs of life that couldn't supress my joyous chuckles.

"I've found that it helps if you tell everyone to have a joyous Hannakuh."

Smirks forever,
taTa

2007-06-19T15:36:00.001-07:00

I am very tired.

Updationality

2007-06-18T15:47:00.000-07:00

I went to Austen this weekend. It was pretty much ok, no big comments accept Happy 28th Birthday, again, Grandpa! And life happens every day. Mom said something the other day that made me decide to take a break from my cell phone for this week, so that could be good. I feel somewhat deflated, but Laughter still lives forever. My brother is getting married in less then two weeks. Freaking out somehow doesn't even cover it. But I'm happy. The Sun is shining with all its might... and blah blah blah. Everyone is my friend and the clouds only rain sometimes, God bless you and feel happy and special, because happiness is good and YOU are special.
taTa

Real Days, Hopefull Days

2007-06-06T16:30:00.000-07:00

Hi guys. I've been in the sky all day. Well, the part of my day that I wasn't sleeping and growing vegative, happy, and unresponsive. IN other words, I slept until 11 this morning. And using more words (because thats what blogging is all about) I spent the rest of the day "facilitating" at the ropes course. It was vera fun. Standing on a little tower, talking to frightened people, being perfectly calm myself, hanging off into emptyness at random moments for fun, encouraging the hopeless, laughing with the brave. Life is profoundly good. Even if I am bipolar.
taTa

Camp

2007-06-02T11:09:00.000-07:00

So I'm at camp and I notice that a few people actually read this blog still, so I figured I would post again real quick. Its very fun here. TOns of people to speak to, to shout at, to laugh with. And I'm ropes course certified, the knots section could not defeat me, I laugh upon its feeble endeavors to hold me back MUHAHAHAHAHA! There were bats in the power pole and they frightened Nick. Matt is bald. PJ and Dallas play guitars in the bathroom, because of the acoustics, hmmm. Laughter is forever. I love ya'll guys and I miss everyone, even though I'm really loving everything, so God Bless you,
taTa

An Irresponsible Foetus

2007-05-17T15:38:00.000-07:00

So I randomly noticed that it had been, well, quite some time since I had posted on here, which is quite bad and all that rot. I suspect that I have no audience but myself, and yet, maybe that's ok. These words are still here, resonating in the air. But yeah, things have been rummaging along in life. School came and went like a flash. Here I am surviving, like a dream. Kind of like two ships passing in the night. These last two weeks have been incredibly harsh. I want to give a big shout out to all of my friends who helped me through the pain and confusion. A man can do one of three things when crushing blows come, he can live, he can die, or he can transmogrify. Maybe I'm a man, and maybe I'm doing all three. I got fired on Monday, which cracks me up. I was quitting tomorrow anyway, but they decided that I wasn't quitting I WAS FIRED!!!!! Hillarity hillarity. This coming monday, the 21st of May, I am going to staff at Trinity Pines. That will last all summer. So I will be eternally gone. In other news, I passed Spanish again!!!! Crazy beans, and it was despite a horrible cucumber fed me directly before the final by my 2nd Mommy, and also despite speaking German on said final instead of Spanish. Crazy beans. But D's are Ds and not cool for GPA's, but ahh well. I got an A in Poli Sci, by the skin of my teeth and with the help of Pepto Bismol, so happiness rules the earth with an iron hand. I just spent loads of money on clothes, which is crazy for me, but then again, I've never had this much money all in one place before, I'm almost a wealthy man. Crazy pills, C R A Z Y pills.

Written words about the wind

2007-03-28T12:09:00.000-07:00

This is my heart
And you are these hands
Drawn by this pencil or maybe a string
Of some wayward kite
Perpetually running, forever returning
With the sea and the night in your eyes

A soul and her moment are this barren desert
When her brothers are flown away
Fleeting swiftly down the garden path
Past the sun dial whose shadow whispers
Reminding of slipping sand and numbers
And how tired is the sun

Crouch beneath so many glowers
Preparing your predatory spring as a masquerade
Frightened fawn shivers to tear down this sky
A new Babel built into the rainbow
So many toungues running awry
Are you the hunter or the hunted?

This is my heart
I have built puppets in the air
Who run through castles on the ground
You are no tiger, just another frail tremble
Caught baring teeth in reflection of this slanted mirror
And say that we are all calm now

Did you forget my love out there
When the rivers were rerouted
The mountains quake on buckling knees
I and my sword shine; sing in the dark
The stars my company join this lonely serenade
We are the gull's cry, flying far to carry you home

You saw the rainy looking glass
I was not there inside
But the red pill taken, I am alive
Warped from Fear's mirage into your arms
Hear me whistling to the night
Know my strongest whisper in your ear

This is my heart
Long handed over to those hands
Soul beating double breathes you in
And the kite directs the clouds to follow
No more running before a wayward wind
With the sea and the night in your eyes

Who even cares?

2007-03-27T08:07:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like a black hole, sucking, taking, perfectly wasting? I do. I wake up to time and it flies away, useless and unused, unusable even. Nothing seems worth it and nothing seems ok, everything I've built always looks like its about to fall down, a wast of time. Like this, I know no one reads this blog anymore, writing in it is a profound waste of energy. Gahhh I can't concentrate! WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN TO ME!?!?!?!

eyerkes68197

2007-03-21T11:51:00.000-07:00

I wonder when I started to shuffle. I used to walk everywhere with long proud strides, as if oblivious to the flowing shoe strings flying behind me like streamers. But now I shuffle and no one notices my shoes at all. My smile used to be ever present, open, unafraid. Its still there now, but quieter, held in, as if it was a precious thing and the giving of it is not free. Once I wasn't always tired. Perhaps the change is simply a result of growing up, only children have boundless energy and fully open hearts, maybe it is the result of being a telemarketer and being hated for a living, but I can't help feeling like this is all wrong, like this isn't really what life should be. Surely I should have a better reason to take a breathe then just to say I'm breathing.

The Wish

2007-03-03T00:07:00.000-08:00

All he wanted was to save the world.

But he couldn't do it.

He was the small man caught in the crossfire. Oh what a small man he was.

Sad Song

2007-02-20T11:19:00.000-08:00

Break me down, break me down
Break in pieces my beautiful song
Hell's gates and the star tremors
Recite these lines of tearing up inside
To all my unsung dreams
And I just await the rythme

The Ocean stands in sifting sand
The moon calls him back again
To the skies edge every night
When the clouds hold their breath
Gulls cry of tears so softly
Rain shakes its head to love altogether

Morning is like a prayer ascending
A step of faith toward something new
The dawn clasps her hands, hopeful
And the Sun charges the night heavily
Leveled lance of breathing hearts
Drowning out the ticking clocks

I am the dreamer, I am the dream
I am the ocean, and the moons scream
Rain comes down in the gull's cry
And in that too, alone stand I
In the clash of war, at the break of day
The sky is mine, but its all clay

"Can we live in peace and happiness....?"

2007-01-31T20:23:00.000-08:00

I'm confused. By it all and the stars, and fruit. I love people, I love talking to people, but it seems that when they're finally coherant, almost all of them are wrong. Even the ones that seemed like they were so right. I talk to so many people in a day, I probably laugh with 25 people everyday, but the conversations are usually hollow, and the "good" people are usually dead. And how can I save them by throwing paper wads at them? But why shouldn't I? And how can I do it at all?
Anyway, there was a court of honor last night; I decided to leave work early to go to one last 342 event before I turned 18. It was a happy time. Then Jonathan and various small children came home with us. I finished my scholarship applications for SFA, which was blah, and took numerous punches from Jonathan, which was fun. Then Aarin came and we took out the trash and roamed about in the night. Then we hid in the closet. Today came and went and now its gone, and with it go I.

taTa

Gumballs fall just like everything

2007-01-29T20:10:00.000-08:00

Its amazing how easy it is for me to just forget about this place. Especially since apparently all my readers have. I got like 30 visits last week, and that's pretty pathetic. But that's all my fault for not posting, its a deadly circle of non-posting non-caring doom, that could end in the scrapping of one more feeble piece of this crazy etheral web. "But not THIS day!" Today I shall stride out, and post.
So yeah, this weekend is as far back as I'm gonna be able to go cuz it was crazy. So we'll start with Friday afternoon. I'm at ETech, cuz that's where I always am on Friday afternoons. Finally turning things around, making some sales after a dreadful week. Etech is crazy. Then at 6:30, Sade, James, Travis, and Micheal all decided that I was the center of sociatal interest, Esther called me on my forbidden cell phone, over and over again, and Megan paged me. All at 6:30. I pretty much had a heart seizure, but Glenn helped me with my sale and I escaped in time to go to Auntie Pasta's with lots of random people. Then I suddenly needed a razor, since my other ones got totally dull when I shaved on Monday, so Briana and Sarah took me to Walmart where I bought a razor and marshmellows and candy, I also met a guy who's name I don't know, that haunts me and makes me feel faintly guilty. Maybe I should ask Braxton what his name was. Then we went to the McClures and had happy times and I got a haircut. Briana is a great person when it comes to cutting hair, and when it comes to everything else too, for that matter. Saturday there was sleep, then there was the park when it was raining and fun. We played Ultimate. In the Mud. It was great. My team won. We were the bombdiggitty. Then we walked. In the rain. I picked up Caleb and strained my right arm. It still hurts. Then Brandon called me, he wanted to go camping....in the rain....when it was 2o degrees....YEAH! So we went camping. But, we couldn't start a fire cuz everything was wet. So we went to Justin's house and got two dry logs and a fire starter. We also didn't have coffee or meat, so we went to Brandon's house and got cofee and meat. And then I met someone who I had apparently been breastfed next to; it was a fond reunion. Then we went back to camping. And I'm to tired to tell you about Sunday, so goodnight.
taTa

One Day....at a time

2007-01-17T21:18:00.000-08:00

So yeah, today was the first day of school for the new semester. It was vera cold, and wet, but I continuously amaze myself with how little anything really bothers me. I mean, of course I complain, what would be the fun of suffering if you couldn't complain, but its really mainly just commiseration complaining.
Today Mom dropped me off on campus at 11 and said "I'll pick you up at Etech at 8 O clock." This brought up two fascinating questions, no 1, what am I gonna do for an hour until my first class, and no 2, how am I gonna get to work. Cop out answers, or at least anti social answers, immediatly popped up, "I will sit at the computers in the library for an hour," and "I will walk to work (it will be very far, I will suffer terrible agonies, I will become a stronger man." Don't even doubt that I said all these things to myself. Don't even doubt it.) At that moment I met a wonderful and beautiful woman walking down the sidewalk, shivering. It was Heather and, shockingly, she was overjoyed to see me. She's really the greatest lady and I'm vera glad that she's about to be in my family, and she told me that she would have been friends with me even if she wasn't marrying my brother, and that made me happy, and I carried her books for her and then hung out with her until noon and it was great. She also kindly offered to take me to ETech after my classes. That was a very good thing, cuz walking really would have been harsh, and no one would really have even cared. Classes were classes and hillarious people in the music building were my friends. I remembered that I love to talk to Billy and Jimmy, and so I did.
I'm so amazed at how fun it is to be friends with so many people and to have random people walk by and say "Sup Yerkes!"
I also discovered that I might be racist against white people. Hey, I hate telemarketers and am one, why can't I hate white people and be one?
And on that note, I will depart to write yet another paper,
taTa

"I almost wrote a song about you today...."

2007-01-08T21:54:00.001-08:00

"....Then I tore it all up and I threw it away!"

The ball was tonight. It was great. I was the only person there wearing a skirt made by my brother. I am most weary now. We just watched Braveheart, it was pretty great again, it made me want to go out and do something. It also made me think of recent conversations with Caleb about mediocrity. We do not have to walk in the middle ground. I'm feeling weird right now. I was vera glad to see Craig and Kevin tonight, they really are great people. Also, I was once again struck by how good looking all the people in the homeschool group are. Maybe fear will die, tomorrow. I made two sales today, and tried to convince Jose that he really wouldn't sell anything while full of brandy. Colton was just offended that Jose had gotten drunk, without him. The things people do for fun. 6:15 rushes upon me,
taTa

The Scar The Nail Made

2006-12-31T15:02:00.000-08:00

Twist my fate around a nail
Listening to slumbering gods snore
Pilfering a second flame in love
Bitter burns answerless beauty
And here Zachariahs and I wait, wordless
Struck dumb at opened skies
Saying question no more these solutions
Aching soul and silence cries

I found you in the hollow
At the line drawn for the queen
In that place of quiet empty
That divides the consumation of my identity
Sever my heart and soul
Tugging at strings, watching beating arteries
Mind orates grotesque distractions
As Ida's city burns in the midstep of man's folly

Red haired Theseus holding Quixotes' lance
Dances in rain-fed silence
Watching while falling idol's given quest crumbles
Stars and water in their governance
Smile on Aristotlean students
Worshipfully kissing empty hands
And the finger on the trigger quavers darkly
At the howling moon's manic descrepancy

The Ocean is found as another insincere fountain of dreams
Rivers drop their wasing pennies in final breaths
These fervant pilgrams petitioning unheeding Posiedon
The waves lift up their heads in laughter
Mocking sardonically at another teaspoon in Vanity's sea
Like the walls of Mecca and the hands of jinn
As the whirlwinds assure us of armor's strength and arrows power
And we all fall down beneath salty hands and sigh

Thor's hammer clangs an answer to Pan
As his lute lilts a query on Achaian shores
"Thane of Cawdor, am I your new Banquo?"
Three swords, three nights,three shades of darkness
Awake now, look out upon the frolicsome sun
Reflecting glassy pools with Redemption's fire
Vain goatherd's fallen father vulturously glare
Rebellion's spark squelched by purer flame

Fear is quelled on Zion's height
Scar grows over broken lines
Wrinkles form around this laughter
Filling up these morbid glades
Rising on the harp strings of David
Answering the Lion's thunderous calling
Clarion of happiness pieces in Socrate's drowned out speaking
Holding blood, and You, and my falling safe

At the broken beacon's final falter
Hemlock closes lewdly snickering
Falls through a final query
Caves are opened and shadows die
In counterfiets betrayal, dust settles slow
Blue circles fierce clouds
Here the child holds his whispering candle
Chuckles at the falling rain

Rich Mullins is the best, don't question it

2006-12-28T06:26:00.000-08:00

Now the plumber's got a drip in his spicket/ The mechanic's got a clank in his car/ And the preacher's thinking thoughts that are wicked/ And the lover's got a lonely heart/ My friends ain't the way I wish they were/ They are just the way they are/ (chorus) I will be my brother's keeper/ Not the one who judges him/ I won't despise him for his weakness/ I won't regard him for his strength/ I won't take away his freedom/ I will help learn to stand/ And I will, I will be my brother's keeper/ now this roof has got a few missing shingles/ But at least we got ourselves a roof/ And they say that she's a fallen angel/ I wonder if she recalls when she last flew/ There's no point in pointing fingers/ Unless you're pointing to the truth~Rich Mullins

SAT Scores

2006-12-23T12:12:00.000-08:00

Critical Thinking- 800
Writing- 650
Math- 480
Overall- 1910
Pitifull, pitiful, pityful, however you spell it, that's what it is. I am vera disapointed
Yeah, I hate mathematics.

taTa

"I'm comin outta my cage, I'm doin just fine, gotta gotta be down cuz I wanit all!"

2006-12-08T11:55:00.000-08:00

"But that's just the price I pay, destiny is calling me....cuz I'm Mr. Brightside!"~Killers
Here I am, at the library, thinking of 5 or 7 hundred different things all at once and writing papers about Macbeth and Judas Iscariot. I am hating two people and loving thousands and being happy that yesterday was Owen's 7th birthday and that he's the coolest little guy in the world. Happy Birthday Owen!!!! You are the greatest smallish man EVER!!! He got a very neat blue cape with a yellow hood and a bow with supposedly suction arrows, the suction doesn't work, but the bow does so its all "very excellent" as Logan says. Also, today is Esther's birthday....Happy BIRTHDAY ESTHER!! (she's my adopted second mommy now, by the way). Today is the last day of the first week of training at ETech, so we get to take this little examination thing that we haveta pass in order to go on to the next week, its really freakin easy, so I don't even care. I think Destiny is calling me again, or maybe that's Macbeth, but either way, I must be gone,
taTa

Random list of facts applicable to my day

2006-12-07T18:32:00.000-08:00

WOw isn't that one doohicky of an exciting title, yeah its amazing.

Fact: What someone believes does not change or define what IS
Fact: Nerds work at ETech
Fact: Friendless people are usually friendless people for a reason, usually becuase they are nerds and don't have social skills
Fact: People who are friends of the friendless will definetly have lots to work with at Etech, if it doesn't kill them
Fact: Nerds and friendless people often a) have very strange ideas and beliefs and b) don't respond well to rational argument
Fact: No matter what you say, we were NOT created by aliens, even if they do look like a cross between monkeys and humans, which is irrelevant as well as being fallacious on two counts, one, they don't look like anything because they don't exist, and two even if they did, watch War of the Worlds, those things don't like monkeys or humans, they look more like squid. Don't try to tell me I'm similar to a squid or I will get angry
Fact: The Frat boy who gave me that hot chocolate wasn't lying, it was spiked with Bailey's, and it WAS GOOOD!!! In fact, I think I just might go get some more
Fact: Writing papers about Macbeth is really way overrated.
Fact: I'm tired of writing Fact:, so I won't anymore, maybe not ever again, or maybe not until tomorrow, anymore could mean either of those things, which is its main redeeming feature in my opinion.
Anyway, things have been happening lately. Things always seem to happen to me; like Monday as I was meandering around in the Full computer lab (and I apologize to all of you who have already heard this, you'll just have to suffer through it) this solemn little chap walks up to me, "Are you looking for a computer?" He had very precise language and seemed to know that what he was doing was desperately important but that he needed to stay cool about that and not get a big head, "Actually, yes, yes I am looking for a computer" "There is an open one right there behind you, get it quickly before that girl gets it." (I have never seen this guy before) I turn around, "Where? I don't see an open chair" As I say it I notice a girl just sitting down" The precise little man with solemn, slightly manic, eyes doesn't say a word but marches intently up to the girl "Excuse me ma'm (I think he said ma'm, if he didn't, that's ok, it fits into the way he was) but I was saving this seat for him," jerks his thumb at me, she promptly gets to her feet, "oh ok" and walks away. I sit down uncertainly then look up at the guy who nods almost imperceptibly at my uncertain thanks and then walks briskly off talking to some other random guy who suddenly materializes out of wherever. Or having my entire lunch hour wasted by Caleb.... but he said he was gonna blog that, so I'll leave that for him. Very well then,
taTa

Essay About Myself

2006-12-05T21:52:00.000-08:00

I am a planner and a dreamer, an eternal optimist and a goal setter. I have never suffered from a lack of aspirations. Ever since I was 3 years old, longing to be a rodeo clown, I have always had a plan. My goals have not always been crystal clear and have at times surpassed my motivation to accomplish them, but they have always lead me to exciting places and unique opportunities.
One organization that has shaped my boyhood is Boy Scouts. My seven years in Scouting taught me honesty, integrity, and discipline. It has taught me how to lead, as well. Possibly even more important though, it has taught me to follow, which is a skill little respected, yet critically important, and difficult to learn. This summer, I was elected Crew Leader for a high adventure trek at Philmont Scout Ranch in New Mexico, where we hiked 80 miles through wilderness and mountains. This experience taught me the importance of working as a team, enabled me to better motivate my peers, and gave me a greater appreciation for the beauty of nature. Also, for the past six months I have served my troop as Senior Patrol Leader. In this capacity I have organized troop meetings, activities and campouts as well as leading the proceedings in meetings and award ceremonies.
This past year has been a defining year for me. I have volunteered in two political campaigns, served on our yearbook staff, and was elected President of my “company” at a Farm Bureau Leadership Seminar. These activities demonstrated to me the power and effectiveness of hard work, and what enthusiastic individuals can do.
My long-term goals include being an attorney, a politician, a missionary, or a radio talk show host. In order to farther those goals and foster my ability to think on my feet and express my opinions coherently I have become active in Speech and Debate. Last year I took a class in public speaking and participated in a Speech and Debate Tournament, sponsored by a national organization. This not only improved my ability to think and articulate myself, but also decreased my natural fear of speaking in front of people. Debate has enabled me to see both sides of an issue and understand where someone is coming from, helping me to respect their position and standpoint, even if I disagree. Speech has pushed me closer to fulfilling my potential and therefore, closer to my goals.
I have accomplished some things and have grown in many ways since I dreamed of being a clown. Yet, I am still that kid who loves the unlikely and has unique plans for the future. Despite the basic sameness of my attitudes and character, I have changed dramatically over the years. All these things that I have done have been building living flesh upon the skeleton of my dreams. I have begun the journey that I always hoped to start.

I must submit this with my Armstrong scholarship application, do you think they will clamber to hand me thousands of dollars? Oh darn, neither do I.

taTa

Breathe, just breathe

2006-12-04T13:34:00.000-08:00

This is just real quick to tell all ya'll that I am alive, have been quite busy, and that yes, if you were hit by a holly berry while attending the Christmas parade in downtown Nacogdoches on Saturday, I threw it at you from the balcony of Greer's. Since I have now told you, I will depart, zipping off to my job at Etech, which I have re-recieved. Goodbye now,
taTa

Good days

2006-11-23T20:14:00.000-08:00

Titus are you confused?
The site of these ashes
Tells you something
That you did not expect to hear after all those words you have heard

Hurt burns inside, cancer of fear
Every weakness a paling of your dream
An echo ringing from the cross on your shoulders
Footsteps bleeding sweat on Gethsemene
Reminders flowing from our Predecesor
A shouting in pain and greif
Wailing tells me of a bloody path
Desperation that you thought was past

Rejoice, Titus in your spilled blood
Agony overshadowing your steps
Happy in this bitter cup
Laughter doesn't linger today
Do not bemoan its absents
Balem had no grievances
Goliath was well fed
Pilate dies in a comfy bed

Today is an appointment in the wilderness
Refining the gold unsinged
Tomorrow opens up your eyes
Saying "Well done, Titus, good and faithful servant of Mine"

Gosh darn it, that didn't turn out nearly as well as the one that I wrote when I was inspired and then accidently deleted!!!!! Gosh that upsets me, but its ok.

I'm in love right now, I would say again, but it has been there, just thinnly hidden. In love with God, in love with Life, in love with love, in fact. I'm happy to yet be an irresponsible teen, to be unbroken, undefeated, to laugh in the rain. I'm thankful for so many things. You know, Wednesday I was thinking of all the pain I've gone through since last year, all the things I gained only to lose, all of my numerous mistakes, and my painful discoveries of what human nature really is, and yesterday, I was sad about all that. Today all that pain can still be remembered, but I don't regret it, loss means I had and I will have again, and it wasn't so bad, plus God catches our tears and turns them into gold. I'm thankful for the friends (fewer then I thought I had, but more faithful and loving then I ever guessed) that stand beside me, I'm thankful for my parents, who love me despite my failures (I know that they're probably gonna beat me with my own thankfullness in a few weeks, but yeah, I love them berry berry much) I am thankful for all my wonderful siblings, they've been a source of continuous joy and encouragement to me, I'm thankful for a roof over my head and stability to return home to this weekend (last year I returned to Nac, but there was no home, just a couple of small houses that were very temporary dwellings and rather uncomfortable) I am thankful for the many exciting opportunities I have been able to take advantage of this year and the many new people I have met. First and foremost, I am thankful for all that God has done for me and given to me and I know that whatever His plan is, it is very good,

Happy Thanksgiving
and God Bless You

taTa

Chortles

2006-11-20T14:41:00.000-08:00

People of the Globe (and other interested parties) I have found my notebook!!!!! Hahahaha this is a time of joy and peaches and goodwill indeed, who cares about Poli Sci papers, my words have not been lost! I went over to Dr. Johnston's office a few minutes ago to turn in an assignement, and as I was standing there talking to her I noticed my characteristic doodle on her desk. At first I thought that it was just an assignment I had turned in before, but then, much to my joy and great frollity, I realized it was my notebook! I had left it the last time that I had blundered into her office and I had never even considered that possibility. I, like Ferdinand the Bull, am VERY HaPPy! To commemorate this time of joy, which is also brought about by the fact that my paper is ALMOST DONE (Interupts himself with a huge yeelp of indefatigueable joy) I will post a widdle poem from my notebook, its really more like a declaration of victory rather then a poem, but that's fine.

This is my day already
Can't turn me over
You can't break my hope
You can't tear down my soul
Can't feed me to the lions
Cause their mouth's are closed
Can't burn me in the furnace
Won't even singe my toes
Laugh, live, love and try again
Never let sleeping dogs lie
Stand up again, undefeated
Forget all those many times
You've fallen down before
Today is a new day
Don't roll over, feeble man

Yeah that was kinda' strange,
taTa

What is happening to me?

2006-11-17T13:30:00.000-08:00

Evan has a headache

Evan is crying salty tears onto the keyboard

Evan has a runny nose

Evan is trying to keep little snotty blobs from getting on the keyboard

Evan wishes that he had some tissues

Evan loves his friends

Evan is sad that he is here, at the library, writing a massive paper, on Friday night

Evan is surely dying

A list from March 05 still applicable and cool

2006-11-14T16:54:00.000-08:00

Ten Random Things About Me:

(10)I love to sing loud and raucously and I don't really care who hears me!
(9)I really like it when people comment on my blog
(8)I enjoy recieving emails or phone calls, or instant messages, even if you don't really have anything to say
(7)I feel bored when I have lots of things to do
(6)Laughing with people makes me happy
(5)I like to fight people who don't bite me
(4)Its March!
(3)People talking to me is good
(2)I don't care if I look silly to you, you probably won't care
(1)God is good!!!!

NINE Significant/Favorite places I've Visited

(9)Double-H
(8)Atlanta, Goergia
(7)Philmont
(6)Washington,DC
(5)Galveston,Texas
(4)Austin,Texas
(3)Jauraz, Mexico
(2)El Rancho Cima
(1)Douglass,Texas

EIGHT Things I Want To Do Before I Die

(8)Do something incredibly stupid and crazy that doesn't hurt anyone and I don't get in trouble for
(7)Make my Papa proud
(6)Go Scuba Diving
(5)Grow up to be as great a Christian as my Papa
(4)Become a published author
(3)Become a Texas senator
(2)Get Eagle
(1)Save somebody's life

SEVEN Ways To Win My Heart

(7)Tell me that you think just like me, and mean it
(6)Talk to me about books
(5)Tell me about your day
(4)Comment on my blog
(3)Stand by me, even if I do something dumb
(2)Instant Message me alot
(1)Talk about the things that remain the same

SIX Things I Believe In

(6)Faith
(5)Hope
(4)Love
(3)Loyalty
(2)Sincerity
(1)God, the Three in One

FIVE Things I'm Afraid Of

(5)My own heart
(4)The possibility that my heart is tricking me
(3)Letting people down
(2)Failure
(1)Scaring away all my freinds

FOUR Of My Favorite Items In My Bedroom

(4)My barbell
(3)My books
(2)My music
(1)My Bible

THREE Things I Do Every Day

(3)Think up crazy stuff to say or write
(2)Read
(1)Pray

TWO Things I'm Trying Not To Do Right Now

(2)Be depressing
(1)Stay up all night

ONE Person I Want To See Right Now

(1)Jesus Christ, the Son of God

A quiz

2006-11-14T16:40:00.001-08:00

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well.
An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly.
You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view.
A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary.

You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

They didn't believe me

2006-11-14T15:38:00.000-08:00

I'm mildly curious right now about where I am and why I'm here and what this feeling in my head is all about. Can somebody tell me? Like, quick!

I told them I was Superman

2006-11-13T14:55:00.000-08:00

I saw your face, a mask of death,
Thrown across your rotting soul like a threadbare cloak
Flimsy piece of denial, of deception, defiant but empty charisma
Thought that you were gone already, crushed, broken
Maybe there's nothing left at all, said my thoughts in dispair
Ghosts howling outside of empty windows, crying
Aloneness and graves and shadows, weight above resistence
A silent agony of overtaking filth, a dreadful conclusion
The wind trying to close the book on your tragic chapter

I turn around, notice wine spills, written in the charred stillness
A single crimson tear, falling so fragile, infinitely breakable, infinetly unbroken
Macabre whiteness of your face unchanging, no twinge of life
This single drop, a mirror, reflecting your soul, still alive, still pleading
Tired flicker, barely perceptible, proclaiming your heart's persistent beating
Bending not to breaking, bleeding not to death, not yet
The Hand has spelled it out upon the silent wall, a decree
That I be your cloud, though so small, such insecurities, to rain Life upon your head
I'm incapable, my hand's too small, the King affirms it
The silent hill cries to the darkness with the only question
"My God, My God, why hast Thou forsaken me"

You are the answer

Time

2006-11-10T11:17:00.000-08:00

For some Time is the unyielding structure that they build their lives around.

For some Time is more like water, buoyant, holding us up, but flexible, willing to give a little, but still undeniably real, capable of calmly silencing every voice by its endless passage.

For my Mom, Time matters not at all.

taTa

Evan's Soapbox

2006-11-09T17:30:00.000-08:00

So Tuesday was election day. I've decided that Americans are stupid, Arabs are deranged, Russians are crazy, Chinese are evil, Europeans are supine and bovine-ish, Canadians are clueless (and obsessed with gliding senselessly about on their little ice ponds) , Latin Americans are in love with revolutions, I can't think of how to talk about Africa in PG language and the Aussies, well the Aussies are pretty cool actually(somebody dig up some dirt on Australia for me will ya), but still the point is: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!! The results (for the most part) were no big surprise, Dems taking the house was widely anticipated, but Pelosi becoming Speaker of the House was a pretty serious jolt, expected or not. Now I'm no more a fan of a Democrat house then I am a fan of Pelosi, but frankly these pathetic Republicans in Congress deserve it! They had their chance to make a difference but they were to cowardly to move, they just sat R E A L still and tried not to breathe. Maybe this will be an eye opener for 'em, but I doubt it. As Mrs. Reese once so eloquently said "Folks! Can you not see that we're goin' to HELL in A HANDBASKET?!!!?!!!?" but no, they can't, this society is blinded by lust and greed, nothing can any longer penetrate their fat laden brains. I don't expect that there will be a reviving of this country until it is in shambles, until terrorists have wrecked its entire infrastructure, it won't happen unless God speaks in a huge way, I pray He will, because I love this country, but we don't have much left to be proud of. The whole world is stupid. Ok yeah, this post wasn't supposed to be a pontification on the world's ruin and imminent demise, but yeah..... moving on.
Monday Logan and I did extensive calling for Joe English, it was fun times. Logan and I alone with many phones and lots of time, yeah it was great. We did various voices and had some pretty exciting phone calls. Person: "We got a call three weeks ago" Me: "Oh yeah?" Person: "You're just too late." Me:"To late?" Person: "You're too late" Me: "O K AAA Y" Person:"ITS OVER WHITE BOY!!!!!!!" (Boisterous Laughter) or "FORGET ABOUT IT!!" Joe won.
Crazy times on Wednesday. Much speaking of "Fiscal" Conservatives in Poli Sci class, comiserations with Bric, free and open discussion (and disagreement) with Jonathan, then boring lecture about computer use in the library, then PiZZa! and Kerron and Katie and Katie's fridge and MY PiZZa! and then helping Katie begin writing a paper diametrically opposite to mine, then PiZZa REtrieval!, then eating of cold PiZZa! and running, then going to Jordan's dorm and heated up PiZZa! then Church, then tired, then broken by the loss of my oh so beautimous notebook that I have written many, MANY words in, although I've only had it for less then a month, then disinterestedly watching small people eat my PiZZa! then slumber. My hair was really funky on Wednesday, like spiked in the middle, it was like that when I woke up, and I couldn't do nothin about it.
Today, SAT study and other words and phrases and actions and meanings and eatings of food and other sustaining articles (chocolate isn't really FOOD per se, but it is per se sustaining!). Tonight I completed my physical fitness merit badge schedule and I am imensely proud of myself. Tonight I ran the mile in 5min55sec, did 54 sit ups in a minute and 41 push ups in a minute, I am incredibly pleased about all of those things, although I thought there for a few minutes that I'd broken my wind in that mile run, but I was fine. Life goes its merry way now, and so do I,
taTa

The rain fell and it was fine

2006-11-06T13:34:00.000-08:00

"I am looking at you through the glass, don't know how much time has passed, all I know is that it feels like forever, but no one tells you that forever feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head! And its the stars, its the stars, its the stars, that shine for you! And its the stars, its the stars, its the stars, that lie ta you!"~ Stone Sour

So yesterday was a happy time. Good services at Church, peaceful times at home (Jordan graced us with his presence), then a vigourous warm up and run with him (jordan) in the evening, then random speakings in the parking lot "Esther loves me WAY more she loves you, Paul" "Yeah, I know that's true!" Then words in the dark, and then today.

Puzzlement in the sleepy hours about what kind of pie America had become, and thoughts of unfittness that made me suddenly do many pushups and crunches and curls in the hours before school. Tired conversations with tired people, under a tired sky that spoke of breaking, tears and rain, then sudden happy talk with Cada, he's why its fine, because how can it not be fine when Caleb is your buddy? I wondered if IT was or if It wasn't, and I wasn't sure, so I sat and pondered for a moment, then I got over IT.

So I saw One Night With The King Friday night, it was good. "I saw them, I saw the stars."
And Thursday was phone bank, when boredom struck I did calls in a British accent, I was after all calling for Joe ENGLISH, so I thought it fitting. And Saturday (this is in very good chronological order you see) there was a party. I lost the pie eating contest, but I came in second because I was the only person to finish his pie besides the winner, it was pretty tasty. Other then that I ate apples and spoke of Princess Rooms and Vortexes. I felt something gross once, too, but we won't speak of that.
Anywhoo, everyone vote, I don't care if you don't care, VOTE! "Early and often!" This matters folks, show everyone that you still love Bush even if he's made some pretty serious mistakes (Iraq wasn't one of 'em btw) and even if you don't love Bush, he's not on the ballot, so vote for the Republicans who still stand for what's right, there's still plenty of em out there. Anyone who wants to, come join me at the polls, I will be there waving signs and shouting my heart out, until 6ish, cuz after that is Scouts, yah, that is the sound of notes of departure,
taTa

GASH

2006-11-02T10:21:00.000-08:00

There is a hole in every wall,
a lie, an imperfection
Every plan is another hidden stab
Every land is just another place that isn't Home
Broken wheels still turn,
But they just turn over and croak
Its like a place where the clouds have broken
Showin' that there's really nothin' there
And that really the stars are all lyin'
Cuz they don't know what else to say

Yeah, tell me somethin else to say.

What are words?

2006-11-01T11:24:00.000-08:00

"When everything feels like the movies, you'll bleed just to know you're alive"

I laugh at it all, yes everything. The whole dang world, wrap it all together and laugh at it, because in the end, its just plain funny.

I wore my wolf costume to Poli Sci last week. "Your wolf stinks," said Brittney, everyone else was more freindly about it, in fact Dr. Tkacik divulged to us a secret longing that he has to wear a cape, I offered to loan him one of mine, but he said he didn't have the self confidence to actually do it. In the last week, I had a cultural presentation, a Poli Sci Test, and today a Spanish test. In other news, I carried around a manly pink textbook that said I love Phillip on it, cried on Aarin's shoulder, divulged my deepest darkest secrets to Jonathan in the Shadows, was told by Paul that my left arm was the ugliest part of an overall ugly body, I reinacted the whole Hektor and Akhilleus chase with Caleb, told the MuskRat that normal people have NECKS, and ran 8 miles with a little man named Francisco. "Hello, my name is Francisco, goodbye." I also read The Book of the Dun Cow. Its pretty neat.
taTa

HELLOOOOO!!!!

2006-10-09T08:52:00.000-07:00

Last night was wonderful. I found the old Evan again.
I'm readly to love again, to laugh again, to live.

"Dreams pass in time" says Obi-Wan, and so does pain, if we let it go.

I found the old Evan, but part of him had been killed, a little part that needed to die. Maybe the old Evan will never be seen again after all, and it's really the new Evan.

Or maybe I'm just delusional.

God Bless!

taTa

Hope

2006-10-04T13:27:00.000-07:00

So Mario told me that, despite the fact that I would have had to get a substantially better grade to get an F on the last test, it might not matter. Because, if I get a better grade on the next test, which I don't think will be a problem, he will act like I got that same score on this last one as well. So that, even though I flunked a test that counts for 20 percent of the grade, I could still pull a decent grade out of this thing.... here's hoping, and studying. But man, I'm feelin' so drained lately, every task is like climbing a wall, gettin most weary. Tomorrow always contains hope, and the stars say there's somethin more then fine,
taTa

Well that's good at least

2006-10-03T22:39:00.000-07:00

I feel like a very little child. Pain and confusion is swirling around, but I don't know why or where its coming from. So, all philosophy, reasoning, and rationality are falling through the cracks. Which means I'm exactly where I need to be, the confused but trusting little child clinging to God's hand and asking for His answers. They'll come. God is lovely, and everything is amazingly and wonderfully, fine. Maybe tomorrow I can get past fine and ok, but at least tonight I'm there.
taTa

I have decided....

2006-10-02T19:43:00.000-07:00

That I will name my first born son Bonzo. In other news, I GOT A JOB!!!!! Did you hear that people???? I GOT A JOB!!!!! And guess what else? Its not at HEB!!! AHAHAHA!!! Nope, its at ETech. A N D, I got paid 6 dollars an hour to sit and watch movie trailers on a projector (with frequent breaks, cuz the guy in charge believed in breaks very strongly).
Also, I almost barfed today. When I got my spanish test scores. Yeah. I felt the strong symptoms of oncoming nausea, but I escaped to my job interview and vainly pretended that there were actually people in the world that did as bad at me in Spanish. If you ever find yourself thinking that your score should have an extra digit, then, and ONLY then, will you know how I felt.
I ran today. A short run. Less then three miles, because I was very tired, and very hungry.
taTa

Life intervened

2006-10-01T12:49:00.000-07:00

And no one knew if it was good.

Hi, yes I'm alive. As surprising as that may seem. The cop out reason for my silence is "DUDE, I've been so busy!" The real answer? Yeah I got grounded again. Also I had an emotional meltdown, had to shave my stupendously gorgeous beard, spent a night as a hobo, started the new Hobo party, which had to merge with the Emo boys even in its infant stages, ran many miles, became friends with Mario; (my Spanish prof) even if he fails me we're still buddies, told Tkacik (my Poli Sci prof) that hobos matter too, was almost killed by Branden and Paul playing the drums WAY too loud WAY too near my head, had pillow fights in the night, saw the ferocious White Rhinos snorting in the underbrush, was first filmed in the wild ("This is a cameo appearance, the first time Evan has been filmed in his natural hibitat, THE WILD!"-Nick) rejoiced with Caleb at his Eagle Court of Honor ("I was gonna shave in celebration of my best friend's Eagle ceremony, but I took a nap instead"~ME). Also, I learned from Yossarian (the main character in Catch 22) that people were trying to kill me, and that huge Dodge pick up that roared by within an inch of my toes at very high speeds while I was spending a little quality time as a hobo, definetly proved Yossarian right. HEB told me (for the fifth straight week) that they will surely give me a job next week, and E Tech has decided that maybe they'll give me an interview after all, even though they sent me TWO refusal letters the last time I applied. My Eagle project is very much underway, and I hope to have all my reqs for Eagle (other then my board) done by the end of the month. I've been kind of crazy last couple a months AND have had troubles with my new email addy, so if I haven't spoken to you in a while, either my email censored you, my sister decided I didn't deserve to talk to you on the phone, or I just went manic and forgot about the world. So, if you want to talk to me, do so, and I will reply with great joy and expediance.
Oh yeah, we have a dog now. I never wanted that dog, I really didn't. I rebelled against that dog, and this very morning SKIPPER leaped upon my leg with muddy feet and I went to Church with nasty red streaks from my knee down on my right leg. I am very deeply disgusted. Very deeply. I have thought up much poetry in the last couple of months, but I haven't had the concentration to write it down, I have written about four songs, but they're mainly shouting, lots of drums and loud electric guitar type songs, all about pain and tumult and chaos in my head. I will be in touch throughout the next week,
DON'T
GO
AWAY
taTa

Pretend like you're immortal

2006-07-30T12:36:00.000-07:00

Flannery O' Connor is too cynical, even for me, and that's saying something. Every single chapter (of all her books) pretty much ends with some one dying, or being forgotten, or being abandoned, or having a nervous breakdown. Crime and Punishment is really, REALLY weird, and the end is too sudden and somehow inconclusive, I certainly don't get his explanation of why he's unworthy to be the next Napoleon. And the protagonist in the Thursday Next Series by Jasper Fforde dies three stinkin' times and comes back to life, which is just too much; also I can't seem to believe that neanderthals would really be good at croquet. That concludes my literary analyses for the week, thank you.
Also this week, I played basketball with Paul, cut a huge gash in my arm with a ruler whilst I was sleeping (or rather, when I was waking up), tramped around Pecan Park with a notebook in my hand for hours, and had happy chats with sweaty bare chested frisbee golfers, oh and Paul took my job, which was a crushing blow. I'm not finished with my Free Enterprise speech yet, but still working in that direction, tis gonna be cool, I'm closing in on my Eagle Project, should be able to release the date on that next week or the week after, and I can now do 34 push ups now which makes me very proud (Steffen, I don't even want to hear about the hundreds you can do, keep that to yourself). But really I haven't been very productive this week, which is the song of my life it seems. Precedent not withstanding however, I will have a wonderfully productive and fulfilling week THIS week, which I'm sure fills you with great delight. I know it does me.
I'm thinking that once I have an actual cash flow (which needs to happen very very fast, oh and yeah, I need to call Jeff) I'm gonna build up my music repertoire, maybe get some Jimmy Eat World and Lifehouse, and Coldplay perhaps, yeah, I need some variety in my music portfolio. But yeah, its a very happy leisurely Sunday afternoon and I'm sitting happy and leisurely in it,
taTa

"Do you want this, this MORSEL?"

2006-07-16T19:22:00.000-07:00

Ha'dy ever'body! I'm in Michigan now, interesting place. Detroit is the worst city I've ever been to. My experience of cities is somewhat limited, but I've seen enough for that to mean that Detroit is quite a bad place. It was an enormous drive and I didn't get around to reading Crime and Punishment, but I'm still doing great. Long road trips are weird for me, they're times of mental chaos and shocking mood swings, not good times for books like Crime and Punishment, so instead I read The Eyre Affair by somebody Fforde and it was quite excellent, funny, random, with good character development and dodo birds. Went sight-seeing today in Detroit, watched a boat race, rode on a "people mover" trolly thingy up in the air, it was kind of cool. Have been having great times with my wonderful cousins and sibs. Can't think of any great profundity at the moment (which is why this post is turning out so badly) but I just wanted to check in and say something to let ya'll know I'm here. The reason I didn't post last week was cause it was boring....and I was grounded ;), but nothing of note happened, except on Friday I went over to Ross' house and had celebratory times for his 18th birthday, and I started reading Crime and Punishment, which is cool, and violent, and depressing, and generally not for non-literature-fanatics. But, considering that 90% of my readers are literature fanatics I would strongly advise reading it, even though I haven't finished and so techniquely don't have advising privledges yet. So anyway, since no random frollity is hitting me I will depart,
taTa

Scruffy THE Man has arrived!

2006-07-09T13:56:00.000-07:00

Hello peoples of the land, I come back to you at the turning of the tide. Philmont was truly awesome. Everything was wonderful and exciting and being crew leader was great fun (even though a couple of my guys were losers), I made some new freinds, improved old ones and learned lots of new things. This new knowledge was in no wise limited to Scouting or hiking, I came up with many new philosophies on human nature, interhuman relationships, man in general, and even some defining of my knowledge of God. Despite all this serious stuff going on, I managed to spend a great deal of time goofing off with Branden (Father Skivvys) and Logan (Cheese Hound) and having many and wide ranging discussions.
I feel bigger and smaller at the same time now. Bigger because I've grown and seen and learned many things, smaller because the world and reality in general seems so much bigger making me feel so little in it, so although I feel like I have almost become a man, I wonder too if maybe I'm still a very little kid that has only just scratched the surface of what is. It would really be quite frightening if it weren't for the fact that God is completely unchanging despite my evovling perspective and that I'm just as safe in His hand as ever.
In other news I saw Pirates of the Caribbean2 (wasn't real impressed btw) shaved my head and have a goatee beard.
Also, whats up with ya'll people, 3 comments in two weeks and one after I got home? Have you all abandoned me? Does no one care for Evan anymore? Comment, email me, IM me, CALL ME, somebody, everybody, I demand that my social life be rescusitated NOW! And on that note,
taTa